The meaning of life according to our various belief systems.

Christianity: “To worship an invisible god, to obey ten commandments without question, to give 10% of our income to support our elderly leaders, and to pray everyday so we don’t wind up in hell.”

Atheism: “I don’t know what the meaning of life is. But I’ll be damned if it’s to worship an invisible god, obey ten commandments, give up 10% of my income, and spend my spare time praying so I don’t go to hell.”

Buddhism: “To live in peace and harmony. To support the good will of all sentient beings. To embrace love and compassion, live an ethical and moral life, to pursue liberation from all illusion and to achieve ultimate enlightenment for the greatest good of all. If this doesn’t work out I can always go live in a cave in the mountains somewhere.”

Islam: “To surrender our will to the one, true god, Allah. All praise be to Allah. And, in accordance with his will, to kill all the infidels, as well as anyone else that we, I mean Allah, feels is deserving of death. If we can’t kill them we send in our suicide bombers to do the job for us.”

Hinduism: “Our various gods are still arguing over the answer to this question. In the mean time, do as much good as you can so you can collect a lot of Karma. Hopefully it will count for something someday.”

Science: “There is no meaning to life. God is an illusion of your mind. In fact, your mind is an illusion as well, created by a bunch of neurons and whatnot. The details are pretty complicated, so you’d have to consult a specialist in that field if you’d like to know more. We enjoy doing research on matter and energy, which effectively make up the entire universe, up until the point that our research shows us otherwise or our funding gets cut. When this happens, we turn our research back to things that are in alignment with our fundamental belief in the physical world. If a fellow scientist researches something that is metaphysical in nature, we kick him out of the club. I mean, uh, we invalidate his research using complicated scientific protocols. Don’t worry about the details. It’s complicated. I know this answer is complex and a lot longer than the others. But really, what did you expect? I’m a scientist.”

Philosophy: “I don’t really have an answer for you. And if I did, it would be far more complicated than what the scientists tell you. I do, however, enjoy thinking about the question and debating about how to interpret what the scientists are saying. I teach philosophy classes in exchange for small donations of food. Give me a call sometime.”

New Age: “Everyone is one. We’re all one. Why do you keep asking me this question? I already gave you the answer. Everyone is one. Don’t you get it? Why do they never understand me? Am I not practicing the law of attraction correctly? Wait, wait, this question is upsetting me. I must have some resistance somewhere. I need to go center myself now. I’ll try to give you a better explanation later.” Then, after they come back. “We’re all one. Don’t you get it? Why don’t you understand this? We’re all one…”

Agnosticism: “Fuck it. I don’t know.”

If you’ve enjoyed this post, don’t forget to share it with your friends. If it made you laugh, it might make them laugh as well. Either that, or they’ll come after you with a butcher knife. But that’s not so bad, is it?

In college you pay someone else a lot of money to give you work to do. In the real world, you get paid a lot of money, even though you’re still doing the same kind of work.

In college, you only have to please the professor. In the real world, you have to please the customers, your boss, your boss’s boss, your wife, your kids, and your neighbor’s dog.

In college, you stay up all night drinking beer, playing games, and having sex. In the real world you have to beg for sex, you pass out at 10:00, and then get woken up throughout the night by your screaming newborn.

In college, your grade is based on how well you do on homework and exams. In the real world, your paycheck is based on how well you can bull shit your way out of things, how much your company values your position, and how often you threaten to go work somewhere else.

In college, your parents pay for your tuition, food, and books. In the real world, you pay for your parents health care, retirement, and golf games.

In college you can skip class half the time and still make a decent grade. In the real world you can skip work half the time, but your boss will fire you and your wife will get half your stuff.

In college you go to class from 8:00-2:00, you get 6 weeks of holiday off, and you get the whole summer off. In the real world you get three weeks a year of vacation and holiday pay which you spend fixing the leaky pipes in your house, running your kids to and from appointments, mowing the lawn, and arguing with your debt collectors.

In college you learn everything from expensive textbooks and grouchy old men. In the real world, you learn everything from Google and Wikipedia.

In college, you can eat a whole pizza and not gain an ounce. In the real world you have to buy bigger pants just from eating a granola bar.

In college, it’s okay to have sex with multiple women in one month. In the real world, your wife shoots you if you stare at another woman for too long.

In college, everyone is nice, friendly, and laid back. In the real world, everyone is paranoid and schizophrenic.

In college, there are huge parties every weekend that include beer, playing games, having fun, and getting laid. In the real world, your company throws a formal party once a year. There is no beer, games, or sex, and afterward upper management talks about the company objectives for next year.

In college, professor’s tell you what’s important for the real world. In the real world, you realize that professor’s aren’t in touch with reality.

In college, you play video games just for the fun of it. In the real world, video games are another form of stress relief.

In college, you can piss away the whole summer, and no one would care. In the real world if you piss away the afternoon someone is calling you wanting to know what the hell you’re doing.

In college, you spend all of your time trying to get a white piece of paper with your name on it. In the real world, you spend all your time trying to get green pieces of paper with other people’s names on them.

In college, you can be broke, homeless, and drunk, and still get laid. In the real world, you have to be filthy rich and handsome just to get a girl’s attention. Then your wife shoots you afterwards.