Struggle.

I don’t know if that’s really the right word I want to use in this context. I don’t really struggle to make money. I make plenty of money. What I struggle with is making money doing what I want to do. Perhaps my priorities simply aren’t in the right place. Or perhaps I’m not very effective at taking advantage of my strengths, and am instead trying to sell my weakness…who knows. But in reality, the why isn’t so much of an issue. The fact that I’m failing is enough evidence that I should stop and reexamine things.

There is a common belief amongst people that you should do what you love, and then get other people to pay you for doing it. This is one of those beliefs that seem great on paper – but it doesn’t really pan out in reality. For example, I enjoy meditating and putting myself into altered states of consciousness. I believe that this is an effective method of exploring my own psyche. Will anyone pay me to do this? … Obviously, the answer is no.

The truth of the matter is that everyone has their own perception of values. And everyone will pay for things according to how valuable they perceive it to be. Doing research – even research that has vast implications, simply isn’t perceived as valuable by many people. Creating computer software, however, is considered valuable. Perhaps I should just stick with what makes me the most amount of money. But this would go against the path that I want to take in life…which leads me to an interesting decision.

Either I can sacrifice joy for money. Or I can sacrifice money for joy. Or, since I refuse to settle for either option A or option B, I can continue to try and pursue both at the same time. I will call this option C. An option which is most likely doomed to fail because I’m lacking some fundamental skills to make it a reality. Or perhaps some fundamental insights. Either way, I’m pretty sure that it is doomed to failure. So why do I persist? Why is it that, even in the face of certain failure, I continue to pursue this…path. This dream if you will.

The answer goes back to my personality. I enjoy failure. Yes, you heard that right. I enjoy failing. Most people would assume, incorrectly, that I have some kind of self esteem issue. Or that I can have some kind of personality disorder.  But the truth is quite different. I enjoy failure because I view it as a learning opportunity. I enjoy learning more than I enjoy succeeding. And since failure helps me to learn, I enjoy it. Ironically, this line of thinking tends to lead to success. And I am banking on it leading to success here as well. I fail, I discover what I did wrong, and I change course. It’s pretty simple, really.

In the case of this website, I have failed because I haven’t gained any traffic. Running a successful website or business isn’t just about creating products or selling services. It’s about making connections. This is where I fail. And so this is where I should focus my efforts. On my ability to make social connections.  God. High school all over again.

Back to the drawing board…

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