So I’m sitting at work right now. Fairly content. Today is my last working day of 2009. For the next 12 days, I’ll be visiting people, playing games, talking, helping others, and generally having a good time. The intense depression that I’ve been going through lately is slowly starting to subside – although I’m still not back in the game at work, so to speak.

I feel like I’m at a point in my life that I should be taking the next step. I should be climbing a new ladder. Starting a new endeavor. For the most part, I know what that next step is. I just don’t know exactly how to do it. The next step, for me, is to pursue my mission statement…But how does one do such a thing? In the real world – everyone has bills to pay. Granted, I don’t have very many bills. But they are still bills, nonetheless.

I’ve considered on a number of occasions to just go off and join a monastery or something. To live a simple life. But at the same time, I don’t want to lose my freedom. Thus – I’m still trying to achieve financial freedom in my life. A goal that is slowly moving along, day by day. At this point – I’m almost 10% there. This is assuming that we can get some decent universal health care in America. An assumptions which may or may not be true…

Money is one of those things that everyone seems to struggle with. But – it’s not the money that they struggle with. It is the feeling of lack. The need based mind set. I guess I have learned a few things from Steve’s blog. Who would’ve thought?

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Perhaps instead of pursuing truth I should just pursue the end of suffering. Finding energy and motivation proves to be a problem. I honestly don’t even feel like writing right now – which is why I’m doing the automatic journal thing. It’s interesting when you just let your thoughts flow. It makes for a really unorganized blog entry – I always feel sorry for anyone who actually reads these. It’s kind of like having a window into what my exact thoughts are for a couple of minutes. And I do truly mean only a couple of minutes. The mind spews out nonsense faster than the fingers can type it! Ahhh!

Surrender, I think, is going to become my new friend. Surrender all to God. Carpe Diem. All that good stuff. Sorry – I’m just in a depressive mood at the moment. The meaningless of life seems to be rearing it’s ugly head again. And, once again, I don’t particularly feel like doing anything – except perhaps lying around playing Age of Empires all day. Or watching The Big Bang Theory – I swear, that show is like chicken soup for the nerd’s soul. Perhaps I should buy myself that for Christmas.

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In the silence there is God. And in God there is hope, and trust, and all that jazz. I accept God, and surrender. I let the peace wash over the world – and make all things new again. What are your struggles? Where are your tears? Not here – not now. Where God is near – tears are not. It is my time. To move forward now, I need only to surrender myself to a future which is  not yet known, but is currently in the making. Gloria in excelsis, Deo!

God bless,

“My purpose in life is to courageously seek the source of life and existence, to share and spread healing and understanding to all living beings, to act with harmony, peace, joy, and compassion in all that I do,  and to openly represent the unconditional love of Christ at all times. This is why I am here.”

-Mark Holt, 2009, after spending all day searching the Internet looking for the meaning of life. Google doesn’t have all the answers.

“If you’re going to shoot for something, you might as well shoot for the stars.”

-The justification for my mission statement.